It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
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People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
But if I get tinted windows, how will people see me flipping them off?
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
mom had nothing to worry about
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots