I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
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I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me