“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
You Might Also Like
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
This why you should mind your business
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.