Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
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“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.