early stone age tool
You Might Also Like
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
Folks ask me if I ever get tired of putting smiles on the faces of kids and their families in my job as a theme park mascot and my answer is always the same: God yes, are there any openings where you work?
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
I have many caverns
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.