Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
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me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
you will never know the true number of layers
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
and now we wait
A seller on Amazon just paid me for a 5 star review. I feel guilty. Don’t listen to me if you’re checking out the Emotional Support Pizza Blanket