Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
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when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
[plot twist] ur buried vertically