I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
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Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
What about a To-Don’t List?
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
My current situation
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
real
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”