You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
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My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?