I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
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A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
Please do it!
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.