Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
You Might Also Like
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes