Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
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My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
umm…
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
Is this a threat?
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir