Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
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Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws