Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
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*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
A double negative is a big no-no.
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break