I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
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I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
Folks ask me if I ever get tired of putting smiles on the faces of kids and their families in my job as a theme park mascot and my answer is always the same: God yes, are there any openings where you work?
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.