Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
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So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating