Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
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What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.