bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
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When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of J盲germeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
I鈥檝e never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don鈥檛 have to ask.
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.馃槀
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he鈥檚 forced to do everything around here.
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn鈥檛
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
Paper cut-outs of coins don鈥檛 work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.