Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
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8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
Hey! This isn’t my car!
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
lmfao
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
Me driving through Toronto
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets