I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
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“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
Boss: In what ways have you grown or matured in the year you have been here?
Me, glancing at the hidden notebook detailing my 36 point revenge plot against another department: By learning how to let things go
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.