liiiiiiiiike
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This is a whole mood;
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.