I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
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Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?