Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
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Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?