Should I call tech support or pray or what
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[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
when you are just born a rebel
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
New tinder profile pic
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
For the ones in the back.
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.