I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
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We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
Jesus steals the winter solstice
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
This is my cat’s medicine.
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation