[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
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I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?