[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
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It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
Breakfast for Stoners:
How to wake up a Beagle
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
Who chose this font
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food