I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
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This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought