guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
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Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings