My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
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*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
scrabbled eggs
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.