BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
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me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
Rather alarming headline…
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.