To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
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[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
Body by sandwich.
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis