Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
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I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.