i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
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This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
Very good! 👍😂
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.