You Might Also Like
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
Everything reminds me of my ex
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
Sometimes autocorrect totally has my back, and other times I type “rbis” instead of “this”, and my phone is like “Nah I’m gonna leave it, she’s good”
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
I have 12 days until I have to change my password at work and can’tuse any of the last 15 passwords I have used, long story short, I’m going to need a new job.
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza