I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
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Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
Saw online –
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
This might be the funniest tweet ever
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
Produced a radio ad in the 1990s for a supermarket’s Pepsi promotion. It was the opening of the can and the pour, with v/o at the end. All very alluring and appetising. We used a can of Coke
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.