Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
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current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
HOW DARE YOU
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.