Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
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Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
i now pronounce you bounced.
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*