My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
You Might Also Like
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
The news in a nutshell.
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks