My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
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ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
A fake ID that makes you younger
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?