mentally somewhere in italy
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Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
Never go to sleep after making me angry
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”