This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
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Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
My plans: 2020:
Who did it better?
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”