I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
You Might Also Like
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
Are we there yet?…
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.