[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
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I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight