News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
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When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
[montage of me giving-up]
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?