*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
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I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS