The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
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[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times