talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
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Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
Lmfaoooooo
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
Seems a bit forward
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”