To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
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I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here