[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
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This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
inside you are two wolves
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.